i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
