did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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