I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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