does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
