I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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