He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
