1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
