so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
