I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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