8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
