i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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