I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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