You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
