Me too!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
