I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
