Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
