As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize