I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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