I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
