we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
