I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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