i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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