you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
