It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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