The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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