I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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