Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize