1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
