Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
ok first of all what the fuck
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
