the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
