thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Randomize
