I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
