i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
