Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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