This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
