If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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