i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
