Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
