i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
