Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
