so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
