my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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