checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
