Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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