she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
