dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Two words: blizzard sex
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
