I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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