I wish I could punch you in the face.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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