If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
