Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
