I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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