i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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