There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
