Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
is it fun? or sober?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
