Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can you bring me the toilet please
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
