i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
