I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
