My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize